Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I die, sorry about rent.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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