Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Houston, we have a blender
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
