She is in my trunk
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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