I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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