i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
