i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
