You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
