When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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