My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
