Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
