Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
