FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
