my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
