I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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