The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
