You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
