We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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