The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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