dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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