also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
