So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
