Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
