the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
