got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
