Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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