4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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