Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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