He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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