The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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