Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's never too late to be topless.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
