Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
