Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
