True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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