mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
