she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
