If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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