i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
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I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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