i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
