woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i believe in u and ur pee
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
