You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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