Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
