The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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