You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
