I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
