He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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