I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
