seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
