her vagina looked like bernie madoff
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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