This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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