Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
