I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
