If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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