I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
