If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
