Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
