i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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