I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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